While planning my future recently, I was researching "mobile homes" in the Bastrop Federal Satellite Camp library's 1996 Encyclopedia Americana. To my delight, I discovered that I could own a 1344 square foot double-wide for less than $20,000. Alas, the east Texas billboard appears to be true which proclaims "DARE TO DREAM: DOUBLEWIDE." Realistically, while outright ownership might be a stretch, a $20,000 double-wide should rent for $200 per month, well within my budget (unfortunately in 1996 discounted dollars).
As luck would have it, this timely research served as nothing less than the seed for my next big idea. Forget Facebook, where your personal information is stolen then sold to evil Republicans. Forget Google, where your every mouse click is mapped, even those inadvertent websites you unfortunately viewed when searching for the author of Little Women (Louisa May Alcott, by the way). Vladimir Putin and his Russian minions already know every site you've visited and have marketed your browsing history, through an undisclosed third party, to the Democratic National Committee. Unfortunately the DNC will soon be giving them to the FBI. One FISA Court Order later, and you're an inmate in the Administrative Maximum Security Federal Prison in Florence, Colorado, sharing a cell with the underwear bomber. Don't go there.
No, ladies and gentlemen, bypass all those potential personal potholes in the pavement toward the next big thing--a lovely multi-volume set of durable hardback encyclopedias. They leave no telltale digital footprint and provide something to fill up empty shelves where once were real books. They can also be used to press leaves and insects for science projects. Even more creatively, 10 of them can be stacked to form a booster chair for your favorite toddler (helmets sold separately). But wait, there's more. When this catches on, and believe you me it will, someone is going to sell them. Why not me?
I've been a little worried about what I'm going to do to support myself when I get out of here. Gosh darn it, the answer's been right in my face in our library. I can sell encyclopedias door to door. All I need is a bicycle, a clean shirt and tie and a backpack to carry everyone's personal favorite encyclopedia, Volume 24 (Russia--Skimmer). In time, I could have 3 Sales Associates, who could each then have 3 Sales Associates; and the scheme, I mean network, would be set for a multilevel pyramid shaped income stream right to the top--me. Who says federal prison doesn't offer job training opportunities, rehabilitation, and societal reentry skills?
This is best income idea I've had since Jared Kushner's promised Middle Eastern funding fell through for my service monopoly of snow plow rental franchises in south Texas. I just want to thank the good Lord that I can still dare to dream, and that dream was right in front of me all the time, waiting in Volume 19 (Meyer--Nauvoo).