With all the extra time I have here at Bastrop Federal Satellite Camp, I have taken it upon myself to contribute something to society--to give back, if you will. So with that, I am pleased to announce, after 43 minutes of contemplative study and strenuous non-peer-reviewed clinical trials, I have developed the Climate Change Christian Spectrum (CCCS). I might modestly add I've done this without government, corporate, or non-profit funding and without harming any animals.
The CCCS is a way of determining what kind of Christian you are based on the answer to one simple, two-part question about climate change. The question is, Is climate change real or imagined? If imagined, go no further; but if real, what/who causes it? In the clinical trials, the CCCS has proven to be 100% accurate. At this point, I don't know why it works, only that it does...every time. Further research, when announced, should identify why. Hopefully that announcement will prove to be more interesting than this one.
I don't want to provide too many details yet on the scientific basis, because I'm still hoping to cash in on the naming rights (think ExxonMobil, Goldman Sachs, the Pew Foundation or Al Gore). But simply put, the CCCS is a comparative measure of the direct correlation between your beliefs on climate change and on Christianity.
For example, at one end of the spectrum, should you believe that climate change is a conspiracy much like the lunar landing, you are also an ultra conservative/fundamentalist Christian. At the opposite end of the spectrum, if you believe that only men (not women) and SUVs (only American made) are alone responsible for an impending climate calamity, you also worship God, trees, and solar eclipses, not necessarily in that order. Obviously, it is somewhat more challenging to identify those who might not be at either extreme of the spectrum, but this 'alt-middle' group does exist. If you are in this group, tests indicate there is a 100% spectrum correlation between your climate change beliefs and your Christian beliefs, too.
I know some naysayers will scoff. I would merely encourage you to take the test in the soon to be released CCCS Home Version, but I must caution you that it won't work if self-administered. The test requires at least one partner to call foul on how you might identify yourself, as you know in your heart you lack the introspection to accurately pull off self-analysis.
But wait, there's more. The Home Version will include the CCCSagram© 1-8 number system to mark your spot on the spectrum. Use it often to explain strange behavior in otherwise awkward situations. Expect friends at church to graciously turn the other cheek/ear when you proclaim, "Oh, I just made that anti-Semitic remark because I'm a 1 on the CCCSagram©. You know how 1's are!"
By now, if you're still reading, you've determined only part of this is serious. A reasonable question would be "which part?" Suffice it to say that with cutting edge, faith-based sociological research, it's hard to know. To paraphrase the existentialist movie Twister, 'some do it for the money. I do it for the science.' Test away and you're welcome.