© 2016 by Charles D. Jones

November Ramblings

November 27, 2016

I recently witnessed a no-holds-barred negotiation whereby a holiday chicken quarter was offered on the open market to the highest bidder. It was a high stakes bidding process that included leverage, arbitrage, options, and futures contracts. One temporary high bid had to be retracted when financing commitments fell through. The deal was ultimately closed when the winning bidder exchanged one mozzarella cheese bar previously purchased from the commissary spot market for the November chicken future with a Veterans Day delivery date.

 

Cell phones are strictly prohibited here at Bastrop Federal Satellite Camp. Visitors are instructed to leave theirs in the car. If that rule is consistently broken, an inmate could lose his visiting privileges. A few weeks ago, one of our inmates was caught with a cell phone in his possession. When confronted by a corrections officer, he started running. He was caught quickly hiding in bushes about 300 yards from the housing unit and removed from the camp to a higher security facility. He was scheduled to leave here in early 2017, and this will certainly delay his release. The entire event was quite weird, even for here.

 

I'm pleased to confirm that since early September, my career as an undocumented hair care professional has been alive and well. Each Monday afternoon in the camp barbershop, I courteously transform hirsute inmates into inmates with shorter hair. 

 

 

Perhaps you remember that in June, I was asked to teach a class on interview skills and résumé completion in an effort to assist inmates obtain employment when released. I was excited about this, quickly prepared a class outline, delivered it to the camp's case manager, and was advised that the class would be held in "late summer."  Obviously that did not mean "late THIS summer," as I'm still waiting.

 

Who says there is no connection between World Series baseball and presidential politics? For starters, there is no crying in either. Was there a "Cry-In" at Cornell University when the Indians lost the World Series to the Cubs? Were there grief counselors and therapy dogs? "Say it ain't so, Joe." Now granted, I wouldn't have voted for the guy; but come on America, grow up! Furthermore, a politically astute baseball fan here believes that counting runs on a "per game" basis is antiquated, just like the electoral college. He reminded me that Cleveland scored more cumulative runs than Chicago and should therefore be declared the winner. At first I had trouble embracing his idea until I realized that this new way of scoring, applied retroactively, would mean that the New York Yankees defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1960 World Series, and I could finally forget Bill Mazerowski's game 7 walk off home run. 

 

Many of us have been asking for healthier food options at the commissary, so I wanted to provide the recent results of our requests. The following 5 items were added:
     Strawberry Donuts                         .95
     Mint Double Stuffed Cookies        2.50 
     Caramel Popcorn                         1.20
     Holiday Cookies                          1.30
     Boston Cream Pie Honey Buns     .95

 

I volunteered to be on the Christmas decorating committee. So far that's working exactly like my volunteering to teach the résumé class, but I'm still hopeful. While historically, my idea for "A Trailer Trash Christmas" has never gained the traction in my own family that it deserved, I may have found a more suitable venue where my creativity is more appreciated. We'll see.

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