Life Lessons From Prison- Part 1

On my first night at Bastrop Federal Satellite Camp, a generous inmate offered me some shower shoes, and he said, "Don't even think about going into the shower without them on." This was excellent advice. There are 8, 3'x3' shower stalls with plastic curtains both on the East and West Wings for 185 inmates. Half of them work at any given time. The unwritten rule here is that an inmate must enter and leave the shower still wearing at least his boxers. That's a great rule, but it creates an acrobatic challenge which brings us to our lesson of the day for all lifelong learners, which is....

How do you put on your boxers after a shower, while wearing shower shoes, without putting wet feet through the legs of your dry boxers, and without touching the slimy wall of the shower which would necessitate another shower?

This is, in fact, a ten step process.

Step 1: Dry off everything but your feet.

Step 2: Hold your boxers in your teeth in a way that you can tell the front from the back, for obvious reasons.

Step 3: Remove your left foot from your shower shoe and while balancing on your right leg, raise your left foot high enough to dry it without touching the towel on the slimy floor.

Step 4: While continuing to balance on your right leg, put your raised left foot into the left leg of your boxers while placing your towel on your left shoulder so it doesn't fall onto the slimy floor.

Step 5: Raise your boxers up your left leg as high as possible then pull them up a little higher, eventually holding them tightly in your cheeks (not your mouth) so they don't fall as you lower your left foot back into your left shower shoe.

Step 6: Breathe deeply and enjoy the halfway mark of your journey.

Step 7: Remove your right foot from your shower shoe and raise it high enough to dry it off without touching the towel to the slimy floor while balancing on your left leg with the towel over your right shoulder.

Step 8: Lower your boxers from their cheek grasp enough to place your now dry right foot into the right leg of your boxers and pull them up to their proper height.

Step 9: Lower your right foot back into your right shower shoe.

Step 10: Walk out of the shower in your boxers like you know what you're doing.

It's too bad the Bureau of Prisons does not allow smartphones, as a Youtube video would have been helpful for all the visual learners. On second thought...